Grieving who you used to be: How to cope with sudden identity loss after illness, injury or burnout
- Sound Consciousness
- Jul 9
- 8 min read
Have you ever felt like a part of you has died, even though you're still breathing? There’s a quiet kind of grief that doesn’t come with funeral flowers or condolences. It’s the grief of losing yourself, a loss so invisible, so profound, it can leave you feeling alone.
Navigating the invisible grief of losing who you once were
You imagined you’d have more time. More time to create, to move freely, to pursue your passions, to be yourself. But then life threw a curveball: injury, illness, burnout, or sudden loss. The part of you that once lit up your world feels gone. It’s as if your spark has dimmed.
This is non-death grief, the heartbreak of losing a part of yourself, even when you’re still alive. It might be the loss of a job, a dream, a relationship, or simply the way you once moved through the world. Though it cuts deep, it often goes unseen.
This is part two of a two-part series on redefining purpose after sudden loss. In part one, we explored the identity shifts that often come with retirement. This time, we turn to losses that strike earlier, injury, illness, career loss, or redundancy, long before retirement arrives.
The premature death of identity
Imagine discovering your life's purpose, the thing that lit up your spirit, that never felt like work, but made you feel alive, present, and joyful. Now imagine it being taken from you without warning, leaving you unable to do the thing that once made your life sing.
This is grief, but it's invisible.
Because no one has died, this kind of grief is often dismissed or unrecognised. But its impact can be just as profound as grief following a death.
A 2023 study by the University of Manchester found that one in three UK adults reported significant emotional distress after a non-death loss. Yet only 15% sought support, often because they felt their grief wasn't valid.
I saw this firsthand in the hospital many times. People who had been healthy and full of life were suddenly struck by a heart condition, stroke, fall, or another life-changing illness. It was grief, just without a death. The person they were before was gone.
When I visited these patients, we’d talk about how they were coping emotionally and spiritually. Many cried. Some were angry, filled with regret, resentment, or fear they would never recover. The same questions would surface: Why me? Why didn’t I see the doctor sooner? Why didn’t I take better care of myself? Why did I jump off that pier when my mate warned me about the shallow water? Why did I go for that ball when I could see the other player charging at me?
What I came to understand is that these were not just emotional reactions, they were part of a deeper process, an attempt to make sense of what had happened. This is where the real work of grief begins. It is not just about feeling the loss, but about finding a way to rebuild meaning in the aftermath.
“...(processing) grief is not a return to how life once was, but about reconstructing meaning and identity within the change."
The real stages of meaning loss
While Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief are well-known, they can fall short of capturing the full complexity of non-death grief. The Tripartite Model of Meaning Reconstruction, developed by Neimeyer and colleagues, offers a more nuanced framework. It describes grief as involving three key processes:
Sense-making, or making sense of loss and its impact. For example, "After losing my job, I spent weeks trying to understand why it happened and what it meant for my future."
Benefit-finding, or recognising positive aspects or growth opportunities. For example, "Through this loss, I discovered a passion for painting that I never knew I had."
Identity change, the shift in who you understand yourself to be after the loss. For example, "I now see myself as a resilient individual who can adapt and thrive, even in the face of adversity."
The Tripartite Model offers a helpful way to understand grief, but even its creator, grief researcher Robert Neimeyer, reminds us that grief is rarely simple or easy to map out. When the loss doesn't involve death, the experience can feel disorienting, messy, and hard to explain. He also reminds us that grief is not a return to how life once was, but about reconstructing meaning and identity within the change. There can be no universal timeline, and no right way to feel. Knowing this can help you meet yourself with more patience and compassion as you navigate the tender work of putting yourself back together.
If I were to describe grief, I’d say it’s like Melbourne’s weather: unpredictable and impossible to forecast. Some days feel heavy, like a thick raincloud hanging overhead. Other times, the sun breaks through, just enough to make you think things are shifting. Then, without warning, the storm returns. You feel soaked, cold, and thrown off again. But over time, the clouds pass more quickly. The rain still comes, but it doesn’t hit as hard. Eventually, the sun lingers. You may still get the odd storm, but you’ve learned how to weather it.
One day, you look up and notice the sky is clear, and it stays that way a little longer. You feel more like yourself, perhaps a changed version, but still here. You might have your own metaphor for grief that fits better for you.
Why you must grieve well to heal
Grieving well means acknowledging your grief, feeling supported, and moving through its stages in a way that allows integration, not avoidance. When grief is unaddressed, it can become complicated grief, leading to prolonged distress and impaired functioning.
Complicated grief can result in depression, anxiety, and physical illness. In my previous role in a hospital palliative care unit, we took complicated grief seriously. It was a requirement in our weekly clinical meetings to review each death and assess whether any loved ones appeared to be at risk. This proactive approach helped in providing timely support and intervention.
When grief is left unresolved, it can cause long-term harm, increasing the risk of chronic mental health issues, difficulty thriving, even serious physical illness. Ignoring grief, or pushing the pain down, doesn't make it go away, it only prolongs it and hinders healing.
Steps to grieve well
Acknowledge your grief: Recognise and name the emotions you're experiencing. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. The first step is often simply allowing yourself to feel what you're feeling.
Find community: Whether through online resources, support groups, or talking with friends and family, avoid isolating yourself. Others who have gone through similar experiences can offer support, understanding, and perspective.
Move through grief at your own pace: Grief has no timeline. Some days may feel lighter, others heavier. That variation is part of the process.
And remember, it's okay to seek professional help if your grief feels overwhelming. You do not have to carry it alone.
How to begin again
Grieving well doesn't mean moving on quickly; it means allowing the full weight of the loss to be felt, slowly and safely, without rushing to fix or reframe it.
Grief affects the entire body, not just the mind
Grief is not just emotional, it is physical too. The body carries what the mind can't yet process. You may feel tightness in your chest, fatigue, muscle tension, or a heaviness in your gut. These are not problems to solve but signals to listen to. They are your body's way of holding you through what words can't yet express.
In some traditional or indigenous healing systems, grief is understood as a necessary release that, if blocked, can cause long-term emotional and physical imbalance. When words run out, the body can carry us the rest of the way.
"Grieving well means allowing the full weight of the loss to be felt slowly and safely, because ignoring grief only prolongs the pain and hinders healing.”
Actionable tools: Ways to grieve through the body
Whether journalling, meditating, or attending therapy, different people find comfort in different ways. It’s about discovering what genuinely helps you cope and reconnect.
Sound
Grief often sits in the throat and chest. Letting yourself sigh, hum, weep, or make guttural sounds can help release what’s stuck. You might explore vocal toning, sound healing, or simply give yourself permission to cry or exhale deeply. Sound can be a powerful way to move emotion through the body.
Journalling
Writing offers a private, compassionate space to name what’s been lost and what still longs to live. Journaling can bring clarity to what feels chaotic, and support a greater sense of self-understanding and compassion.
Storytelling
Speaking your story aloud, to a friend, a therapist, or a group, can bring grief into the light. Being witnessed helps transform isolation into connection, which is vital for healing. If you are working with me, Living Legacy work offers a safe and structured way to share your story as a form of meaning-making and catharsis.
Grief rituals
Creating small rituals can give shape to invisible loss. Placing items in a meaningful space, lighting a candle, wearing something symbolic, or acknowledging important dates can help you connect the emotional with the physical. These rituals give the body a way to process what the mind alone cannot fully explain.
Somatic practice
Gentle movement, breathwork, body scans, and grounding exercises can reconnect you with your physical self. These practices help release stored grief and rebuild a sense of safety and presence in your body.
There is no right pace and no perfect practice. The invitation is simply to listen. When you give your grief a shape, a sound, or a movement, you create space for something new to grow. This is how life begins again.
Reimagining a new you
Imagination can be a powerful companion in grief, particularly when the future feels uncertain or blank. It is not about denying pain, but about making space for new possibilities to emerge. What we visualise or rehearse in our minds, even unconsciously, can influence how we move through the world. By envisioning small shifts, even simple moments of hope or connection, we begin to gently invite life back in. Reimagining life after loss is not about forgetting the past. It is about slowly shaping a new future with courage and hope.
You can thrive after loss
Grief deepens us. Many of you reading this can likely identify moments in your life when you went through grief, whether or not you recognised it at the time. In hindsight, you might now recognise it for what it truly was. It could have been something as common as a romantic breakup, a job loss, a major transition, or a quiet loss of identity.
When identity shifts, purpose fades, or you no longer recognise the person you thought you were, grief can be the process that brings you back to what matters most, helping you slowly rebuild a more grounded sense of who you are becoming.
Next steps
Reflect
Consider how the Tripartite Model of Meaning Reconstruction might apply to your experience of loss.
🌤️ Download your 7-day grief journal: What’s the weather in your internal sky today?
Use it to track your emotional landscape, one day at a time.
Just go to File → Make a copy to get started.
Engage
Reach out to support groups or professionals who specialise in non-death grief.
Reimagine
Use creative practices like Living Legacy work, sound therapy or art to explore new possibilities for your identity and purpose.
Healing does not mean forgetting. It means growing something new in the space that opened.
References:
Rabinor, J. R. (2022, October 25). Grieving when no one has died. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/navigating-the-serpentine-path/202210/grieving-when-no-one-has-died
Neimeyer, R. A. (2012). The (half) truth about grief. Illness, Crisis & Loss, 20(4), 389–396. https://www.academia.edu/107261773/The_Half_Truth_about_Grief
Daniel, T. (2021). Adding a new dimension to grief counseling: Creative personal ritual as a therapeutic tool for loss, trauma and transition. Pastoral Psychology, 70(5), 511–522. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228211019209
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This article is authored by Nicole Sultana, who holds a Post Graduate Degree in Spiritual Care, a Post Graduate Certificate in Business (Marketing), and a Bachelor of Applied Science in Sports & Exercise. In addition, she is a Certified Therapeutic Sound Practitioner and a Death Doula. Nicole is the founder of Sound Consciousness, a company that offers wellbeing strategies and therapeutic sound practices to help individuals achieve peak performance in their professional lives, sporting endeavours, relationships, and personal aspirations.
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