Did you know British anthropologist Robin Dunbar proposed that humans can maintain around 150 stable relationships at any given time? This includes five intimate friends, fifteen good friends, and fifty friends. Did you also know that the impact of our friendships is wide-reaching, shaping our values, behaviours, and emotional wellbeing, while also influencing not just who we become, but also who we don’t.

Given the significant impact of these connections, have you ever considered compiling an inventory list of all the friends you’ve had throughout your life? It might seem odd at first – why would anyone do such a thing? Yet, recently, as I reflected on the people in my life, both past and present, it prompted me to contemplate the true nature and significance of all these connections.
Reconnecting with the past
In fact, just the other day I received a message from a friend I hadn’t seen since we were in prep class at the age of five. Inspired by spontaneity, he decided to reach out and seize the opportunity to reconnect. I welcomed his invitation and what began as a simple coffee with an old friend turned into a timely reminder of the enduring value of connections throughout life and the impact of the people who are in it.
Recently, I've also had the chance to reconnect with several other friends from my past. Each reunion came about through different circumstances and these encounters prompted me to deeply reflect on my past self, the qualities that define me, and the growth I've undergone over time. They highlighted the cyclical nature of friendships, showing me how connections from our past can continue to add to our lives in unexpected ways.
What is the importance of old friendships?
Reigniting old friendships or reconnecting with people from long ago provides continuity, reminiscence and for many, a feeling of comfort that comes from a shared history and familiarity. These friendships are significant as they reaffirm and validate our past, provide a sense of belonging and they remind us that we hold a place in the lives of others. They reinforce our identity within a specific social group – for example, primary school – and in the context of a certain time and place – such as, more than twenty years ago in the north-west suburbs of Victoria.

These friendships also serve as a reminder of who we once were and remind us of aspects of ourselves that we may have long forgotten, such as a spontaneous and adventurous spirit. Perhaps these re-connections remind of us past hopes and dreams and offer an invitation to redirect our lives towards them again. Or perhaps they offer an opportunity to acknowledge what is, and is no longer, important, inspiring new future directions and giving us a newfound perspective on our current lives.
The phenomenon that no time has passed
The ability to pick up where you left off with an old friend after many years highlights the profound depths of true friendship. I was struck by how my recent reunions felt as though no time had passed; we could meet, chat, and laugh as though we had seen each other yesterday. Since old friends have a deep and shared history, the memories and experiences shared together create a strong bond that can endure long periods of separation. Even with time apart, the trust you previously established between one another remains, allowing for immediate comfort and openness upon reunion.
“Friends may promote our financial success, health, and even survival. Social exclusion and the loss of social partners result in feelings akin to physical pain...” (Lauren J.N., 2013)
The friendship lifecycle: Why is it so difficult to make friends as an adult?
Growing apart and losing touch with friends at various stages in our lives is normal, it encourages us to cultivate new friendships as our life circumstances, hobbies, goals and directions change. However we can block ourselves from making new friends because of a lack of comfort and familiarity, and a fear that we’ll be rejected. Old friends typically accept each other for who they are, without judgment or expectation. New friends present an unknown and a period of uncertainty, however the fresh perspectives they offer helps us explore and develop different aspects of ourselves. These new perspectives can enhance our view of the world and encourage us to explore latent aspects of ourselves at a deeper level.
Nostalgia, a sentimental longing for the past that evokes warm, feel-good emotions, can make reconnecting with old friends feel comforting and effortless. However, it can also lead us to idealise past experiences and relationships, potentially keeping us stuck in unhealthy or stale friendships. When we feel nostalgic, we might overlook the current negative aspects of a friendship, focusing instead on the cherished memories and emotional bonds formed in the past. This can make it difficult to recognise when a friendship is no longer beneficial or has run its course. It may prevent us from letting go of relationships that no longer contribute to our growth and wellbeing, keeping us tethered to connections that may have become draining, stagnant or even toxic.
On average, a person might have a few dozen close friends over their lifetime, although only a smaller number of these friendships will endure long-term. Both old and new friends shape who we are; recognising the influence of the friends currently in your life is crucial for making mindful decisions about which friendships to nurture and which to release.
Friend inventory list: How to decide which friends to keep, let go, or seek out
My Nonno (grandfather) once advised me to surround myself with people who are, quote-unquote, more accomplished than me. This meant seeking out friends who offer new perspectives, and who inspire and challenge me to evolve.
Writing a friend inventory helps us become more aware of our relationships and the roles they play in our life. It encourages introspection about how we contribute to these relationships and what we value in friendships. It helps us identify and prioritise relationships that are most important to nurture and which might need more attention.
By aligning this inventory with our current life goals and vision, we can start to see which friends are more in tune with where we are and where we want to go. Additionally, if you notice recurring negative patterns or repeated obstacles in your life, this inventory may offer insights based on the habits and activities you share with your friends.
Consciously choosing the life you want
On average, we maintain only three to five close friendships at any time. While all friendships, whether past, present, or future, contribute to our lives, truly achieving deep life fulfilment and satisfaction requires a deliberate choice of our closest companions. This isn’t about selfish gain but about cultivating connections that profoundly enhance both our emotional and spiritual well-being. By mindfully, and thoughtfully, selecting and nurturing our friendships, we build a network that not only nourishes our soul but also inspires us toward becoming our best selves.
Action steps: Reflective exercise
As you read this article, you may have been reminded of a few friends who have shaped your life in some way. Consider reflecting on which friendships have played a significant role in your life and whether you need to put in more efforts or pull back. And, take steps towards nurturing new friendships that align with your current values, goals and needs.
References:
Lauren J.N. Brent, Steve W.C. Chang, Jean-François Gariépy, Michael L. Platt, The neuroethology of friendship, 11 December 2013.
This article is authored by Nicole Sultana, who holds a Post Graduate Degree in Spiritual Care, a Post Graduate Certificate in Business (Marketing), and a Bachelor of Applied Science in Sports Science/Human Movement. In addition, she is a Certified Therapeutic Sound Practitioner and a Death Doula. Nicole is the founder of Sound Consciousness, a company that offers wellbeing strategies and therapeutic sound practices to help individuals achieve peak performance in their professional lives, relationships, and personal aspirations.
If you found this article interesting, please leave a comment below and share it with others who might find it beneficial. Sharing our experiences helps us all learn, grow, and heal together. We welcome lively discussions, as they contribute to our multifaceted humanity. Let's remember to approach discussions with respect and kindness at heart.
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